i barfeds in our rink
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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