we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
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This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
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It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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