I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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