Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
