Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
The adults are the big ones right?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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