no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
