omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
