I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
