this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
