U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
