so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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