Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
