the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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