just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just googled if crying burns calories
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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