There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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