I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Randomize
