Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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