is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
