You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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