Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
