she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
