Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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