I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
