I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
