she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
