Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
