I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
