There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
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Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
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Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
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