I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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