i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
