Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
