Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
