i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
