turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
