I just threw up on my dentist
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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