2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
i think im in europe. pls send help
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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