I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
