what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Someone shattered a urinal.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
