when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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