im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
