my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
