I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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