you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
