I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
