the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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