come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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