Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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