I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
