woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
