I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
