It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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