I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
