He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i already hear my dad disowning me
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
