you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
