I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
