I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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