i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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