A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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